So, here we are.  Another year, another zillion presents to make, wrap and load onto the sleigh.  Well, not me.  The elves do that.  I'm just busy making a list, checking it twice, that kind of thing.  It can get kind of boring.  So i decided that i would make my own fun and created a course for some of the...less useful elves.  I hid a chest of chocolate coins somewhere in the village and they have to find it, using only the map i've given them with directions and - a compass. 

It's the most fun i've had all year. 

Alright that's it, the presents are wrapped, the sleigh is stocked, the reindeers are high...umm, i mean, ready, and Monty found the crap in his bed, hehe, life is good!  He fixed me some hot cocoa with hot sauce in it, but i fed it to Donner when he wasn't looking. 

Remember what i told you, no fire's, no dogs, and no assault weapons, except for Alyred since we have an agreement.

So enjoy your family and be safe, a Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.

We've successfully completed our toy quota and have approximately 700 puppies and 200 kittens yelping or mewing in the workshop.  However there is still much wrapping to be done.  Eventually the elves let me pitch in and now I've got so many paper cuts that a few of those 'red ribbons' decorating some of the presents may once have been white.  I've got small pieces of sticky tape stuck in my beard and embarrassingly enough when I had a shower I found a piece in my ass crack.  I have no idea how it got there unless it was when one of the elves, Monty, gave me a wedgie earlier on.  Little bastard....can't wait until he finds the reindeer crap I stuck in his bed....yeah, that'll learn 'im.

Now, let me offer a few pearls of wisdom that will make my ride a little easier...

Question one, where, anywhere is it written that I must be jolly?  Sure the media portrays me that way, but come on, how accurate do you really think that is going to be?  For one, I have a heap of mouths to feed, reindeer that need vet check up's, and one reindeer that apparently goes through an obscene amount of red nose dye.  Secondly, have you ever heard that rumour about how sitting on cold concrete gives you piles?  It's true.  Now, imagine a cold sleigh.  Yeah.  I'm sure I'd be REAL jolly.

Question two, Alyred, now, it's not that I don't enjoy a deathly challenge, but firstly, why are we fighting?  Is the plan for me to attempt to give you a gift while you attempt to thwart me?  Because that doesn't offer me a lot of incentive, to be...you know...generous.  However, the challenge will be accepted.  Let us lay down a few ground rules.  Say, no groin kicks for one.  Maybe, no dobermans for another.  You know, just GENERAL stuff.

You all are very lucky I am not insane.  At any other time of the year a fat man sneaking down your chimney and into your house would be a horrifying thought, yet at Christmas time not only do you hope that someone will do just that, you also let small children know.  That is the power of presents.  If i child thinks someone is going to break into their house that's terrifying, but if he's planning on bringing gifts than that's okay. 

At any other time of the year you tell your kids not to talk to strangers, take lollies from strangers etc.  But at Christmas time not only is taking a gift from a stranger encouraged, you actually take your children to see a stranger, and then place the child on the strangers lap, "Smile at the stranger, Timmy!"

Regardless of the fact half the world is celebrating summer, all you assholes make me wear this suit, which is clearly designed for cold climates.

I don't lay chocolate eggs which you then eat, like little tasty droppings. 

I don't kill and dress one of the reindeers for us to all eat while talking about all the things we're grateful for and silently wishing Aunt Gladys would choke on the stuffing.



Note's for future reference:

I refuse to bring presents to anyone who writes words like wat, wit, dat, neways etc.  No language deserves treatment like that.



Dear Curiously Mad,

Shall have to remember to include an audio so as to verify my identity. 

Santa Claus



Dear Timmy,

Sorry about last year.  Your mother and I will be sure to shut the door this year. 

Santa Claus



Dear Bianca,

Not even God himself could make your mother's cooking better.  I am so sorry. 

Santa Claus



Dear Jane,

I know what you did last summer.

Santa Claus

1.  Puppy's.  Everyone wants them, but they're never happy with how they taste.

2.  Bicycles.  Not recommended.  The elves are shoddy bike makers.  Don't tell anyone.

3.  Money.  What is going on?  Does everyone think the North Pole is an international treasury?  How much do you think this job pays? 

4.  A kidney.  You'd be surprised.

5.  A baby brother/sister.  I am more than willing to help out with this one.  Never mind the potential consequences next year when your father is waiting for me with a baseball bat and a small, tubby child.

Dear Johnny,

In light of your previous attempts to poison me in an attempt to ransom the antidote for a puppy, I will be putting you on my naughty list this year. 

Santa Claus



Dear Mrs Kromach,

Not long until the big day now and as usual I'm left with nothing to do.  I offered to help the elves in the workshop but it turns out I'm not covered by insurance.  People think I'm busy at this time of the year but it's really just that one day, and then I'm back to sitting around. 

This year though is still full of problems.  For one, I undertook Dr Phil's weightloss challenge and lost 100 pounds.  Now the suit won't fit and I'm going to have to wear padding.  Padding!  The reindeer are all laughing at me and calling me Sticks when they think I can't hear.  Assholes. 

The elves went on strike a month back and now just to get ready on time I'm forced to work them overtime which means more pay for them.  They were wanting me to take them off the growth suppressants to keep them small, to bring some female elves into the camp and to give them some shoes that aren't sporting bells.  Negotiations continue.

I am in the middle of writing my notes to the naughty children or the children who are nice but stupid.  For example, at the moment i am penning a note to Mary who is sweet but dumb as a doorstop.

Dear Mary,

I think you have me confused with Jesus.  I am not born on Christmas day and nor can I bring back your dog Woofer.  I have a kind of 'toy's only' speciality.  As for the drum kit, speak to your father.  I've brought one for the past three years and for some reason your parents destroy it before you wake up.

Yours Sincerely
Santa Claus.